Mirror Mirror

Photo by Fares Hamouche on Unsplash

Have you listened to our episode of Collective Conversations last week featuring Rommel Anacan? If not, I encourage you to check it out because this was an interview filled with pearls of relationship wisdom. Rommel is passionate about helping people win in relationships and in life.

He spoke about the cultural pervasiveness of sarcasm or snark and how those behaviors are perceived as a good thing on social media and even in person. It’s true – what began as fodder for comedians is now often weaponized as posts and comments vie to outwit all prior commenters, seizing “likes” as prizes that validate the writer’s rapier wit. Then Rommel said something that was so powerful in its truth. “Sarcasm is a relational killer.” 

That statement is worth a pause. Take a moment and embrace the honesty of those words. 

Another form or purpose behind sarcasm is found in self-deprecating statements. People who make those comments often have an internal message center that says something like “I will make the joke about my weakness, body size, past failures, and mistakes so that I say it first. No one can hurt me if I make the joke before they can.” Inside that dark humor lies a bundle of genuine vulnerabilities.  

Turn the Mirror Around 

When seeking to craft honest connections that benefit everyone involved, it is essential to develop the skills to create and hold safe spaces in those relationships. Before you run headlong into an attempt to force psychological safety, I encourage you to stop and turn the mirror around and do the deep character work within yourself. Carl Jung is quoted as saying “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” There is truth in that statement. I remember being young and arguing with a sibling, only to hear an adult say, “You two don’t get along because you’re just alike.” – a homestyle version of Jung’s quote that I was to hear many more times before I was grown.  

Part of that critical self-assessment includes some honest reflection with questions like these: 

• What impact does my behavior have on others? People are generally quick to tell someone in a leadership position all the good things but rarely wade into problematic areas. 
• Am I actively working to create a safe space? Am I intentional about it? 
• What are my blind spots? Even the most self-aware among us have behaviors or catchphrases that fail to serve the people we interact with. It may sound innocuous in your head, but if it causes discomfort to others, then it damages relationship and interpersonal safety.   
• Do I invite people to give me candid and even uncomfortable feedback? 
• In what ways do I undermine the thing I say I want/believe? 

Safe Spaces 

Some of the most effective safe spaces start with vulnerable honesty. When a leader says, “The most important work we will do today is to create an environment where everyone feels heard and safe and where we gift each other with our honest and caring feedback. When I do or say something that puts your trust at risk, I ask you to please speak up. I need to learn from those blind spots, and I am humbly asking you to help me.” Modeling what it looks like when someone calls you out and how you react to it is powerful. People trust what they see far more than what they hear.  

The honor of leading a team comes with so much more than an impressive title. It brings the responsibility to genuinely recognize the whole human in your care. Educate yourself about the many ways to create safe spaces that protect the sanctity of your relationships and ensure that everyone feels valued and respected.