Humanity
Raindrops Keep Falling
Every week, I publish a morning vlog series as part of the Multifamily Collective content. As always, this week’s daily videos were each published as a stand-alone commentary, but in hindsight, it seems these particular videos may just be parts of the same story and I decided to connect those thoughts in today’s post.
Short-Term
In Short Term Memory, I encouraged our listeners to develop a short-term memory as it relates to adversities in their lives and instead to focus on your purpose.
We all tend to sometimes hyper-focus on our short-comings or mistakes – worrying over them as though they have some value when actually no amount of constant self-flagellation will erase those events. On the contrary, constantly beating yourself up only serves to distract you from your true objectives. Ultimately, your goals are starved for want of your attention while your missteps live only in history and pay you no dividends at all.
If your hours in each day were translated to dollars and you put all your money into the backward-facing bucket, how much is left at the end of the day to invest in your future? None. Exactly. But, if forgetting our personal mistakes were easy, none of us would waste our time thinking about them.
Unhappy
In Unhappy, I recount the startling results of a survey that stated that one in four Americans (25%!) classify themselves as unhappy. Those numbers are hardly surprising given the extended impact of the pandemic, increasing political division, loss of traditional social support systems, and more. Indeed, a troubling sense of dissatisfaction seems to be commonplace.
Once again, there are no easy surefire solutions. If there were, I would encourage you to join me on the rooftop because that is the perch from whence I would be shouting. While not a cure-all, it doesn’t feel like a stretch to say that intentional acts of kindness go a long way towards alleviating some of the world’s pain even if by just one person at a time. Finding opportunities to curate encouragement, joy, acknowledgment, and celebration seem to offer a plus-one scenario wherein you make someone else’s day better and yours is improved in the process.
Like A Kid
Finally, in Like A Kid Again, I tell the story of a recent miserable rainy winter’s morning in Georgia. It had rained all night and the roads were wet, puddles abounded, and I had every plausible reason to forgo my morning run. Except, my morning run is important not just to my physical health but to my mood and psychological wellbeing.
Once I made up my mind to run in the rain, unsurprisingly, I was soon splashed by cars, and every footfall caused a splatter. When you are out in a pouring rain, there soon comes a point where you can’t get any wetter. Instead of shaking my fist at the skies, I felt something akin to childhood well up in me, a remembrance of a time when playing in puddles was a joy-filled experience. My mood was elevated, my shoes were drenched, my heart felt happy, and my energy was through the roof.
The #3 Combo
In the exercise of sharing these stories this week, the combination may have answered my own questions – at least somewhat. Maybe it is possible to release the hold my mistakes can have on me and to shake off that feeling of discouragement by simply letting the rain fall on my face wholly invited and appreciated. The problems we face are complex and, while there are no simple cures, it turns out that there are countless opportunities for simple joy.
When was the last time you felt the rain, danced in the puddles and breathed in the moment for all its bliss? Somehow it seems that we have bought into the idea that happiness is found in expensive vacations at rodent-themed parks. Those can be fun – but so can the rain.
Share your joyful stories with us here or on our social media pages.
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Superpowers & Disabling Ableism
As I dig into this week’s topic, I first want to encourage you to watch or listen to this week’s episode of Collective Conversations featuring TEDx Motivational Speaker Alycia Anderson. Born to an able-bodied identical twin sister, Alycia has a congenital disability that requires her to use a wheelchair for life. Alycia’s passion for diversity, equity, inclusion and accessibility makes her a profound advocate and expert. She is an inclusion superwoman and brings her expertise to the uncomfortable topic of ableism.
What is Ableism?
Ableism is defined as discrimination and social prejudice in favor of able-bodied people based on the belief that typical abilities are superior. It is so prevalent that we don’t even realize it exists. Ableism occurs when we look at someone with a disability as needing to be fixed in order to be whole or we define them solely by their disability and miss the person altogether. Saying “You don’t look disabled” as though it is a compliment or “You’re too beautiful to be in a wheelchair.” Those and so many other dehumanizing comments happen regularly throughout the life of a person living with a disability. Some disabilities are easily evident by the use of a wheelchair or other assistance device. According to accessibility.com, an estimated 20% (or more) Americans live with invisible disabilities.
Bold Strokes
Listening to Alycia share her experience, it quickly becomes evident that she brings significant talents to the table, some of which were honed because of her disability. A longtime member of the multifamily community, Alycia tells in her employment story that she never told a potential employer that she would arrive to the job interview in a wheelchair. Some time after she was hired, she asked her boss about the decision to hire her and he said, “I knew you had to be a planner. You had to plan how much earlier to leave, how to navigate the obstacles to arrive here on time for the interview.” He saw the skills she perfected because of her disability in addition to her formal education, experience, and infectious enthusiasm.
Anxieties into Assets
All of us have things we are insecure about and an internal story we tell ourselves about our limitations. Shifting your mindset to turn those anxieties into assets is a skill we can all take away from Alycia’s story. I think that also applies to how we engage with people who live with disabilities. I encourage you to move past any fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and engage human to human, laying aside any preconceived ideas about ability or inconvenience.
I will close with a call to action that we do the work to make accessibility, diversity, equity, and inclusion the pathway to developing the superpowers of those around us. It is fundamental to our businesses and in our work as providers of housing. Serving people. It’s what we do.
Let’s work together to flip the switch and disable ableism.
Mirror Mirror
Photo by Fares Hamouche on Unsplash
Have you listened to our episode of Collective Conversations last week featuring Rommel Anacan? If not, I encourage you to check it out because this was an interview filled with pearls of relationship wisdom. Rommel is passionate about helping people win in relationships and in life.
He spoke about the cultural pervasiveness of sarcasm or snark and how those behaviors are perceived as a good thing on social media and even in person. It’s true – what began as fodder for comedians is now often weaponized as posts and comments vie to outwit all prior commenters, seizing “likes” as prizes that validate the writer’s rapier wit. Then Rommel said something that was so powerful in its truth. “Sarcasm is a relational killer.”
That statement is worth a pause. Take a moment and embrace the honesty of those words.
Another form or purpose behind sarcasm is found in self-deprecating statements. People who make those comments often have an internal message center that says something like “I will make the joke about my weakness, body size, past failures, and mistakes so that I say it first. No one can hurt me if I make the joke before they can.” Inside that dark humor lies a bundle of genuine vulnerabilities.
Turn the Mirror Around
When seeking to craft honest connections that benefit everyone involved, it is essential to develop the skills to create and hold safe spaces in those relationships. Before you run headlong into an attempt to force psychological safety, I encourage you to stop and turn the mirror around and do the deep character work within yourself. Carl Jung is quoted as saying “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” There is truth in that statement. I remember being young and arguing with a sibling, only to hear an adult say, “You two don’t get along because you’re just alike.” – a homestyle version of Jung’s quote that I was to hear many more times before I was grown.
Part of that critical self-assessment includes some honest reflection with questions like these:
- What impact does my behavior have on others? People are generally quick to tell someone in a leadership position all the good things but rarely wade into problematic areas.
- Am I actively working to create a safe space? Am I intentional about it?
- What are my blind spots? Even the most self-aware among us have behaviors or catchphrases that fail to serve the people we interact with. It may sound innocuous in your head, but if it causes discomfort to others, then it damages relationship and interpersonal safety.
- Do I invite people to give me candid and even uncomfortable feedback?
- In what ways do I undermine the thing I say I want/believe?
Safe Spaces
Some of the most effective safe spaces start with vulnerable honesty. When a leader says, “The most important work we will do today is to create an environment where everyone feels heard and safe and where we gift each other with our honest and caring feedback. When I do or say something that puts your trust at risk, I ask you to please speak up. I need to learn from those blind spots, and I am humbly asking you to help me.” Modeling what it looks like when someone calls you out and how you react to it is powerful. People trust what they see far more than what they hear.
The honor of leading a team comes with so much more than an impressive title. It brings the responsibility to genuinely recognize the whole human in your care. Educate yourself about the many ways to create safe spaces that protect the sanctity of your relationships and ensure that everyone feels valued and respected.
Hopeful Struggles
If you subscribe to my newsletter The Weekly Rundown, you might have noticed my book recommendation for Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to begin engaging with Brené’s content. She is a prolific writer, speaker, and social scientist with an incredible ability to put language to truth that brings perspective and speaks directly to the soul. I found this nugget while reading her book; “Hope is a function of struggle.” Woah.
Sense of Scarcity
Many of us learned a sense of scarcity from our own lived experiences. When there was never enough food, clothes, time with parents, or a sense of belonging with peer groups, we learned not to trust in our worthiness. It follows then that we might seek to avoid the pain associated with those unmet needs and to prevent our children from the feeling of not having whatever it is they need or want. Check out Instagram children’s birthday party images for proof of just how over the top we are willing to go in this pursuit.
The fear of scarcity fuels a host of helicopter parenting behavior that ultimately harms our children more than it helps. When we intervene to protect hurt feelings or negative consequences, we deny our children their opportunity to learn from experiences. Brené says that hope is a function of struggle. People with the highest hopefulness have the knowledge that they can move through adversity, therefore when we take adversity away from our children, we diminish their capacity for hope. Yikes! The best intentions often meet unexpected ends.
Cheating Others
In one of my daily vlogs recently, I posited that we cheat others out of the opportunity to be better versions of themselves. In that particular context, it was about holding everyone in the room accountable to the shared values of the group. For example, if one person is not listening but instead spending all their time on the phone or is otherwise distracted, that person is obviously cheating the others in the room. But the harder task remains. The person or people who saw that behavior and failed to address it were cheating the offender out of the chance to improve and cheating themselves out of the chance to become better leaders and learn the art of healthy confrontation.
Just as helicopter parenting hurts our kids, ignoring poor behavior at work hurts everyone. In another vlog, I propose the value in these four words, “What do you think?” When an employee or direct report asks you a question, the easy thing is to answer it. Your years of experience mean you can quickly respond and move on to other things. But your real responsibility is to help that person grow. Ask clarifying questions, help them hone down to the real problem, then ask, “What do YOU think?” Teaching that team member how to talk through problems and arrive at their own decision empowers and fortifies them for the next challenge.
We are all made better by the struggle. It isn’t always easy, but it is the only way to truly grow your personal and professional relationships.
In what ways has struggle made you a more effective leader, partner, or parent? Share your stories with us!
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Through the Looking Glass
Through the Looking Glass
In 2015 The Metropolitan Museum of Art was busy preparing for the Costume Institutes Spring Exhibit: “China: Through the Looking Glass”, a focus on Chinese imagery in art, film, and fashion. The annual Met Gala is known for its excess. Influential people with big smiles and bigger wallets clothed in couture gowns and designer suits are photographed and broadcast around the globe as attendees strive to outdo themselves and everyone else.
It takes months to put together each event. In the lead up to the 2015 gala every decision about the exhibit was parsed and examined. Where to put the vintage clothes on display? The artwork? Lighting? Seating? Guest List? Logistics? In the midst of this high dollar chaos, Wong Kar Wai, Exhibition Artistic Director for the MET, is quoted as saying, “Seeing too much is seeing nothing.” He’s not wrong.
I am certain that I will never attend the MET Gala, but we play out the theater of property management and leadership every day. Attended by an audience of thousands (of residents and team members), everything we do has significance. It’s not a stretch to say that poor performance in our industry is also photographed and broadcast worldwide.
I think it’s possible to get a little lost because we are seeing too much. Primarily, too much global information all the time. It’s distracting and not productive. We don’t see what’s right in front of us because the buzz, beep, and tune notifications call our attention away. In that moment of interruption lies the interrupted moments. We miss the chance to actually connect with our customers or to engage with our team members. We lose the opportunity to listen. I am not advocating that we force a cell phone bucket at the door policy and prohibit use of phones during the workday – that’s not practical for many reasons. But there are a couple of steps between everything and nothing that might serve us well.
The first one is easy and often causes alarm when I advocate for it, so brace yourself. Turn off all notifications. In every app. In a world addicted to Likes and Comments, this is a hard first step. It is also the most liberating. I find that people default to the worst-case scenario – but my child, my significant other, or parent might need me. But of the ten thousand clicks a day, how many are really for direct communication with your loved ones? Not shared memes or TikToks – but genuine, direct, person to person communication? Right. So – keep your phone. Turn off the notifications. Your loved ones can still leave a message or send a text. It’s possible that you may find that you lose some of the compulsion to check it every time you hear a buzz – because the buzz will be silenced.
The second step goes with the first. Set a calendar reminder to check your phone. Some of that anxiety related to FOMO can be assuaged by knowing you have an appointment to re-engage with your pocket tech. Take a few minutes, check on the family and even how many posts likes you have.
Then, set another calendar notification to put the phone back down. Seeing everything is seeing nothing.
What are your thoughts on this topic? We love to hear them so share your experiences below.
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